7 years of procrastination...

Nine years ago I bought the big glass cabinet in the pictures here. Back then, it was an absolutely perfect fit for the house I lived in and the kitchen it was intended for. It was painted light grey with white paint showing through and came from France. It was perfect for storing all my crockery, pottery and glassware. It was just completely right. 

Since then my life has changed beyond recognition. I've moved cities and homes and my private life went from stable to complete turmoil and back to stable. All along this cabinet moved with me together with other pieces of furniture I would not part from. It has now been at home in four houses. But something had been bothering me for many years. Whilst the colour was perfectly suited to the first house, ever since moving, it felt just a little off. I couldn't quite put my finger on it for some time but I had contemplated stripping the original paint off it, so I guess that deep down I knew it was the overall colour that didn't feel right anymore. The pale grey seemed somewhat lifeless, lacking in impact, and - given that I love the cabinet itself - make it look blah (for lack of a better word) and just like a random piece. Since I had no idea what the wood would like underneath, I never quite committed to stripping it. So it remained pale grey for the last seven years. All this time I tiptoed around the subject for lack of conviction in my decision making. Then, on Friday, on a complete spur, I took a paintbrush to it and painted it black. Just like that. Suddenly the decision seemed a no-brainer and I was happy with it. Now that it's done, I wish I had done this years ago. 

So, all this time I had a hunch that I should do something but never acted on it for worry that I could have been wrong. What if I had been wrong? I would have to either live with it or rectify it - i.e. strip the whole thing down. This made me think about how many things I have put off in my life because of fear of failure. Things I wanted to do but lacked the confidence because I convinced myself I couldn't do a good enough job. The strange thing is that I've made many, many pretty big decisions - some of them life changing - without feeling overly worried because I was not only convinced they were right, but knew that putting them off wasn't an option. It's when doubt creeps in and I have time to think through all the cons that I start to feel like the proverbial rabbit in the headlights. I tend to build up the scenarios of failure in my head and no matter how much I want to achieve something, I procrastinate instead of being proactive. I often don't "go after" something because of it, I won't approach people I would like to get to know because of the potential rejection, I don't advertise my business in a big way because I might set expectations I worry about not being able to fulfil. The list goes on. My mum always said I'm a "late bloomer" and I am beginning to understand that this is simply down to the fact that it takes me so long to work up the courage to go after something I want, to approach somebody and introduce myself, to create the life I really want and to put my energy into the career I truly love. Of course I wish I was more confident in myself and my abilities because that would mean I could have had it all figured out years ago. On the other hand, the joy of fulfilling goals and ambitions later means that I treasure them a lot more than I possibly would have if things came easy to me. That real sense of achievement and contentment that for me comes from knowing that "I did this" despite all my doubts. I guess the cabinet just served as a catalyst to voice it all... 

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